qDot ([info]qdot) wrote,
@ 2004-10-18 23:49:00
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Current mood:enthralled
Current music:Strippers - Body Count

Baconin' 2: Electric OMG TITTIES
"STRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSS!!!!
I WANT MUH DICK SUCKED!"

-- Body Count (Nobel Prize Winners in the field of FUCKING SHIT UP, 1994)

So, as those of you on my friends list saw, I made an impromptu trip to Tulsa on Saturday night. Some of the Woman's friends were having a bachelorette party for a girl that's getting married in two weeks, and they really wanted her to go. However, she had worked really hard all day and was damn tired, so I decided to rack up some SERIOUS brownie points and drive her up there.

Yet, my brownie point account is very, very much negative right now.

How did this happen, you ask?

Well, gather round kids, Uncle Daddy has a story to tell.

I drop the woman off at the party, not going in due to the fact that it's an innie party, and I most definitely have an outie. I'm totally respectful and somewhat fearful of female ritual that is the bachelorette party, what with its phallic shaped EVERYTHING and wedding night gifts and male strippers. Hot, oiled, MALE, strippers.

*cough*

Anyways, I call [info]salvation, he's droppin' off his ex and her baby, I hang out at borders, go to see [info]cancerbox blah blah blah who cares there's way more interesting shit than this to get to (sorry Scott :) ).

We're all out on the patio at [info]cancerbox's, and [info]salvation says "So, you ready to go to some tittie bars?"
The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, I was figuring I'd have a beer and leave for my parent's house, and just call the night a good samaritan deal. Totally forgetting the "NO STRIPPERS" rule handed down by the woman, I immediately say

HELL YES I'M ALWAYS READY FOR STRIPPERS

We talk a bit more, then hop into Clint's car. Hit the gas station for an ATM, and then ask for a $20 changed into $1's from the female clerk.

Her: "Goin' to the club?"
Me: "Hell yes, it's almost tittie o'clock and my alarm is set"
Her: "You should try *insert name of trendy strip club we wern't going to here*"
Me: "Is it smelly?"
Her: "Nah"
Me: "I don't do that classy shit"
Her: *laugh of total disgust*

Now, I've only been to a couple of strip clubs in my life, and they're the usual "girl on stage that will shake titties in your general direction for a dollar" type places. It's better than going to a regular bar because once you run out of shit to talk about, you can always strike up a conversation about the girl on stage.

This bar was a little different though.

We pay the fucking $8 cover, then go get a good seat on perverts row, because that's the only fucking seat in the house as far as I'm concerned. Joke around a bit, then I start noticing something.

These girls, they're like, ALL OVER the guys by the bar. I'm not talking like seductive "my boobs are a foot away from you" shit. Oh no.

This shit would've made Cirque De Soliel performers blush.

In addition to the usual pole in the middle (which damn, some of those girls could *WORK*), there was a horizontal bar all around the edge of the stage, attached to the ceiling. You stand up with dollar bill in hand, and one of the following things happens, in order of boneroscity from least to most:


  • Girl grinds lower horizontal bar

  • Girl grabs your hair, forces you into her chest (the titties all on the somewhat small side for my tastes) and shakes.


*interlude* now remember. All this is just for $1. One single US dollar.*/interlude*

  • Girl grabs upper bar, swings herself upside down, and humps the ceiling

  • Girl grabs upper bar, swings HER LEGS AROUND YOUR HEAD, and grinds not an inch from your nose (Smell the magic, boys.)


    • If she falls, it *will* break your neck, but since there ain't any blood up there anyways, you've already lost motor functions.


  • Girl does action just described, while rubbing herself.

  • Girl pushes you back into your chair, does a handstand in your lap, while curling her legs back around your head/shoulders.


    • If she's good, she'll reach a hand up and do the aforementioned action. If she's REALLY good, she'll do that AND feel her breast with the other hand. I was not aware there was a "Stripper Fu" martial art, but some of these girls must be motherfucking monks in their spare time to pull this shit off.


  • Girl does amalagmation of any of the aforementioned things, then purrs in your ear.


    • Now I have a massive, massive ear thing. The Woman is very much aware of this, and uses it to her advantage. However, I wasn't actually thinking anyone at the strip club would get near that region. I don't believe I have ever *spooged money* before, but it happened then. It was just like "TITTIES!" *purr* *black-out* and then there were $1's scattered everywhere, a pocket feeling much emptier, and a smiling, thankful girl when I came too again.


  • GIRL BENDS DOWN AND HUMS ON YOUR FUCKING CROTCH.

    • Is this even legal? We started calling this move "The Pimp Pager".



ALL FOR A FUCKING DOLLAR. ONE DOLLAR. ONE. UNO. ONE. DOLLAR.

Needless to say, I was having a HELL of a good time, as was Clint. I havn't laughed that much in, fuck, I don't know when.

So 2am gets near, and the last call annoucement comes up, and I'm thinking "Ok, guess it's probably time to go". Then second last call comes up, followed by:

"And remember, we're open 'til 4am, with breakfast buffet starting right after last call!"

I audibly squeeled with joy.

By 2am, Clint has run out of cash 'cause he's a po' ass motherfucker. I was still doing decently though, so I started spotting him. It was a really funny feeling, somewhat like being at the arcade and spotting your friend a few tokens so he can get in on "one more game" 'cause it was just so much fun when 2 people were playing. Except in this case, the game was full contact, and it had titties. Oh, did it have some titties. Hell, some of the moves were even reflective of fighting games (+5 points to all of you who just remembered the Strip Fighter series for TG16/TurboDuo/PCEngine).

Back to breakfast. Now, I'm a fat man, there's no questioning that. I'll eat some pretty fucked up shit. But breakfast at a fucking STRIP CLUB? Even I have limits.

Limits that are quickly forgotten by the lack of will power my fatassedness provides.

I wait for a somewhat unhot girl to hit the stage, then it's back to the buffet. Eggs, hashbrowns, sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy, the WORKS. I'm a little leary of pork products at a strip club, so I get a heapin' helpin' of eggs n' hashbrowns, and a slice of bacon, because I must have bacon.

I MUST HAVE BACON.

I sit back down on perv row, eat my breakfast, and watch some girls.

I'm eating breakfast while watching nude girls dance.

One more time, with emphasis.

I'M EATING BREAKFAST WHILE WATCHING NUDE GIRLS DANCE.

A quick aside. Since I havn't gotten to post it yet, [info]codemonkeyasm, [info]salvation, [info]subgirl, my 16 year old cousin, and I were all involved in an incident known as THE BACONING. It all started when we wrapped corn on the cob in bacon and grilled it. We then wrapped a brautwurst in bacon. Then a twinkie. It was awesome. Since then, we have been obsessed with wrapping things in bacon.

So I'm sitting there enjoying and stuffing myself, then it hits me.

I look at the bacon.

I look at the $5 bill in my pocket.

I look at the girls on stage.

I look at the bacon again.

I look at the $5 bill in my pocket again.

I look at the girls on stage again.

I look at the girls on stage one more time, 'cause I really like doing that.

When I was young, I played a lot of The Incredible Machine. Thanks to this, when I see a random collection of multiple objects, I have a tendancy to put them together in my head to form some sort of massive world-domineering evil machine of DOOM (or else I want to roll them up in a ball, thank you very fucking much Katamari Damacy). As I said before, these girls will do some CRAZY shit for $1.

I wonder what they'd do with the bacon for $5?

The answer?

A lot.

A lot of things that really, really can't be under health department guidelines.

A lot of things that you have to stand in front of them so the bouncer doesn't see them do.

A lot of things that would have me becoming a lobbiest for the pork producers of America if I could get prepackaged bacon knowing that it'd been through the "Stripper Process".

It was after this that I realized that I wasn't just in Tulsa. I wasn't just at a strip bar, I was at

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Clint had to hand me his plate once when a girl came around that he REALLY liked. Hoooooooooooo lordy was she ever good to him. The second she was done, I was on my feet and said "CLINT, TAKE YOUR FUCKING PLATE NOW.". Nothing's better than making the girl about to perform acrobatics using your general personage as the pole laugh. It's like giving her an extra $2. Or at least, she makes it seem that way.

We left around 3am. I went home $30 poorer, but richer in ways that I couldn't even begin to explain.

So, if you're ever in Tulsa, gimme a ring. I've got a place you *gotta* see.

Note: WE DID NOT GO TO NIGHT TRIPS. I havn't listed the name of the club here just to keep the post general, as well as not wanting what could possibly be heaven itself to have to undergo health inspections just because some dumbfuck with a sick love for bacon decided to make a blog post. Lots of people know where this happened though, so if you want to find out, just ask around. I'm sure there are going to be pilgrimages there starting very, very soon



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[info]dporowski
2004-10-18 10:12 pm UTC (link)
You can't get CHANGE for a dollar up here.



And bacon, even.


Damn.

This almost makes strip clubs sound good...

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[info]qdot
2004-10-18 10:16 pm UTC (link)
For the lunch buffet, they have Sloppy Joes, Tater Salad, and beer. If that doesn't make it sound good, your penis license is hereby revoked.

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[info]dporowski
2004-10-18 10:23 pm UTC (link)
Wait.


Your strip clubs have BEER?!


Fuck, we've got $5 COKE!

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[info]dporowski
2004-10-18 10:24 pm UTC (link)
And did I mention that 30 bucks will about MAYBE buy you ONE of those Mortal Kombat head grab fatality moves?

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[info]qdot
2004-10-18 10:26 pm UTC (link)
High point is $3/bottle.

And every 30 minutes, they have "Dollar Dances", where for one song you can get a mini (20-30 second) lap dance for ONE DOLLAR.

Shit, now I'm just rubbin' it in, arn't I?

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[info]dporowski
2004-10-18 10:30 pm UTC (link)
Bitch.


At least I have trees, seafood, and not-Oklahoma.


I also lack The Best Strip Club On Earth, but uh...



Yeah.

It's a tie.

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[info]jgurney
2004-10-18 10:15 pm UTC (link)
That's officially the funniest thing I've read this year, and I've read a lot of Dave Barry this year. Thank you :)

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[info]quantumtwilight
2004-10-18 10:17 pm UTC (link)
Hahaha you fucker...I never get tired of reading shit like this :)

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[info]batty_
2004-10-18 10:25 pm UTC (link)
i am ignoring your entire stripper post to say HOLY SHIT THATS A SKULLMONKEYS ICON.

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[info]qdot
2004-10-18 10:28 pm UTC (link)
"BAH BAH BUP BAH ENCHILAAAAAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS"

It's actually from Neverhood, the PC game. SkullMonkeys came after that. I have both, Skullmonkeys was one of the harder 2d platformers I ever beat, and NEverhood will always be one of my favoritest games ever. I think I've got of both of them around here if you want a copy, I'll have to dig it up.

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[info]batty_
2004-10-18 10:32 pm UTC (link)
ah ha! i never knew that. more than likely because i'm on a mac. heh.

perki got me hooked on that shit when we were dating, and he got me a playstation. alas, my CD is scratched now and i can't go past level 3. wah.

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[info]subgirl
2004-10-19 02:59 pm UTC (link)
Note: *I* have Neverhood. His mom got it off Ebay for me some Christmas like, 6 years ago.

So there!. :P

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[info]qdot
2004-10-18 10:31 pm UTC (link)
Oh yeah, I've got the soundtracks too.

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[info]batty_
2004-10-18 10:33 pm UTC (link)
i'm all over that like a stripper on bacon.

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[info]verona
2004-10-18 10:58 pm UTC (link)
LOL!

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[info]verona
2004-10-18 10:57 pm UTC (link)
due to the fact that it's an innie party, and I most definitely have an outie.

That was my favorite part. I have boobs (small ones yes, but boobs none the less) and a vagina, so strippers don't thrill me. Funny read but I lack the clear excitement you experienced.

I saw an asian man come in his suit at a strip club once, He was in pervert row and the woman was writhing around and bent backwards over the edge of the stage so her head was in front of his crotch (anad hands sweatily holding money) and her crotch was right in front of his face. She took the money from his hands with her mouth and then somehow flipped around and was standing back on the stage. Pretty cool. He ran to the bathroom SO fast, with his jacket in front of him. hah.

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[info]_the_antihero
2004-10-18 11:09 pm UTC (link)
Boy! I know where I'm going after Oktoberfest. Thank you very much.

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[info]roanypony
2004-10-18 11:44 pm UTC (link)
It won't be the same w/o me laying on the bar with a dollar in my mouth.

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[info]styggian
2004-10-19 04:19 am UTC (link)
When she's right, she's right.
This whole story must have been what colin was talking about earlier.
I wondered what brought strippers up all the sudden.

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[info]roanypony
2004-10-18 11:50 pm UTC (link)
<3 you guys. Mostly b/c this isn't a surprising story.

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[info]transmitte
2004-10-18 11:53 pm UTC (link)
Ow!..ow!..oW!..OW! Face hurts..laughing too much...bastard..spleen bursting...



Ok...so when we going??

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[info]siraris
2004-10-19 01:22 am UTC (link)
I was audibly laughing for at least 5 minutes while reading this.

I think I even snorted at one point.

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[info]angelicdemise
2004-10-19 02:01 am UTC (link)
Lol.....last time I was at Night Trips they didn't have the horizonal bar. I guess I know where I'm going next weekend. First time I went there I accidentally got lipstick on a stripper's boobs.

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[info]speedoflug
2004-10-19 07:07 am UTC (link)
Sounds like you need to get better lipstick...At least some Revlon Colorstay or something...How uncouth :)

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[info]salvation
2004-10-19 02:16 am UTC (link)
omg. One of the *BEST POSTS EVER*. I'm glad I could be a facilitator of such joy and hilarity!

That was an interesting day....and very fun night.

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[info]subgirl
2004-10-19 03:01 pm UTC (link)
btw, your skinny ass is MINE for this. *glare*

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[info]varjosusi
2004-10-19 02:23 am UTC (link)
fucking lucky freak :P I've got no money, and will be damn near broke when I get to tulsa :(

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[info]deathjest
2004-10-19 03:26 am UTC (link)
w00t.

which one strip club was this???

Escapades?

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[info]annabelevil
2004-10-19 07:37 am UTC (link)
I do believe he decided on Night Trips. DJ..you went there alot didnt ya? Did they ever do anything to *your* bacon?

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[info]annabelevil
2004-10-19 07:52 am UTC (link)
OK.

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[info]hecate8176
2004-10-19 02:02 pm UTC (link)
horizontal bars sounds and what they were doing sounds like my visit to cloud 9.....
but maybe im wrong

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[info]ozzdotnet
2004-10-19 07:19 am UTC (link)
Holy shit. Mother of fuck, dude. You did it. You somehow fit in: bacon, strippers, a Turbografx 16, the Incredible Machine, and deprecated HTML tags all into ONE MOTHERFUCKING POST!

Man.... I gotta start posting some of my stripper influenced stories now.

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[info]meanreds
2004-10-19 07:56 am UTC (link)
This was the best thing I have ever read on Livejournal.

Go buy your woman some jewelry or something.

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[info]a_smart_cunt
2004-10-19 09:49 am UTC (link)
Sounds almost as enjoyable as my strip club experience in good ol' Mexico. Where one dollar, US, will buy you an entire harem. And the things those girls can do with flan.....wow.


ps - I think you should send that story to the boys at consumptionjunction. They'd get a kick out of it.


dk

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[info]qdot
2004-10-19 09:56 am UTC (link)
Does consumptionjunction take stories? I haven't been there in a good long time, but I thought it was just a video/picture index, and I can't really look right now, what with bein' at work and all.

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[info]a_smart_cunt
2004-10-19 09:58 am UTC (link)
I think they're always willing to take/post stories on the front page. I've seen quite a few from the fans/perverts that frequent the place. Yours would defientely give them some giggles.

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[info]crossbonesdj
2004-10-19 12:08 pm UTC (link)
bacon and stripping...two great tastes that go great together!

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[info]subgirl
2004-10-19 02:52 pm UTC (link)
you make it sound like i'm evil, it's only NO STRIPPERS WITHOUT GIRL.

I mean, you can have all the strippers you want, as long as I'm around.

Really.

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[info]qdot
2004-10-19 03:21 pm UTC (link)
Sorry, you are not evil at all. Didn't mean to come off that way. :(

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[info]wean
2004-10-19 03:00 pm UTC (link)
YOU ARE A GOD.

Kai-uhl.

I MUST VISIT TULSA. OMG. Bacon. It's what's for dinner. :)

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[info]lysystratae
2004-10-19 08:31 pm UTC (link)
ROFL... oh, that's hysterical... now I wanna go to Tulsa

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